Kate Kearins admits she has a bit of a penchant for giving advice, but now she is wondering when advice-giving might be appropriate? How much advice might we best give? What kind of advice is advisable?
I admit I have a bit of a penchant for giving advice. Recently I have been on the receiving end of some unwanted advice. The experience got me thinking…
When might advice-giving be appropriate? How much advice might we best give? What kind of advice is advisable? How might we deal with unwelcome advice? Lots of questions raced through my mind – that answered individually or in sum amount to the possibility I could be giving (more) unwanted advice.
So, I’ve chosen to paint a picture of a recent experience and reflect on some of the emotions involved.
Someone I know – most likely wanting the best for me in a slightly tricky situation – took a shortcut. She didn’t ask her usual great questions of me to get me thinking and maybe floating some options myself. But instead said: ‘you should just say …’ and ‘when x says that, you could say…’ and ‘this is what I would say…’.
I was left with an array of emotions. Envy – my friend would likely handle this situation better than I would – some of those sound like great things to say. Doubt – those things might not work coming out of my mouth – if I could remember them at the time. They don’t sound like something I would say. A little bit of annoyance – how does she presume to know so much more than I do about my situation?
…Hello mirror! Reflection time…
Hello mirror! Reflection time. As I said I often give advice. I’m clearly risking people feeling similarly – or worse.
Around the same time, I saw some advice on parenting adult children: Wait until they ask for your advice – and then check if that’s what they really want before wading in. It made sense. Most of the time they, or we, might really just want to bounce an idea around, or even to vent – not get advice on how to fix a situation we may not even have any desire to fix or even have any real control over.
So advice on advice exists. There’s plenty out there.
Kate Kearins
Best we be invitational about sharing advice – not that that’s entirely possible here. (Of course, read on only if you want to, or even if you feel like catching me out in this somewhat vexed arena.)
Ask questions. Check whether someone wants a quick viewpoint or a more nuanced analysis. Maybe they just want to be heard and figure something out themselves.
Try to understand their situation before jumping in with ‘solutions’. Understand their perspective and personal preferences. Empathy over judgement.
Couch advice carefully. May be limit to just a very few or general options unless you are being asked to help brainstorm something specific.
It’s their show, mostly, not yours. So it’s less ‘here’s what I would do’ than what do you think might work?’ And? Uh Huh…Mmm.
And when we get unwelcome advice, what might we think about doing? There’s power in not responding. Or even, if it feels okay, saying thank you. Or, I need to take some time. Or, I’m not looking for advice right now.
Bear in mind the unwelcome advice could just be mistimed or misdelivered. Maybe seek a more independent and perhaps less invested person to check things out with if you are unsure about something and want help through it.
What did I do with the unwanted advice I received? I changed the subject, set it aside, reflected a bit on why I felt as I did, talked to a few people – and decided to write this article about it.
Kate Kearins is Professor of Management and Pro Vice Chancellor and Dean at Auckland University of Technology.
